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| Your Dad was so Proud! |
We soon settled into a routine and figured each other out. You whimpered and I was there! I use to love to watch you sleep, your dad and I both. Sometimes he'd come get me, grab my hand, and we would stand next to your crib just watching you sleep. You were a good baby, slept all night after a few weeks. You loved your bottles, but hated the pacifier. I'd put it in, you'd spit it out! You loved bath time, we both did. More often than not we both were soaking wet. You didn't like being in your crib when you were awake. The minute you woke up you started crying to get out! You started climbing out of your crib shortly after your first birthday. I was so not ready for my baby to be in a big boy bed, but safety came first. Your Maw-maw made all your bedding, diaper stacker, curtains for your room. The ABCs and 123s in bears. She poured lots of love into every stitch. I still have it hoping you'd want to use it for your child one day.
I will never forget the time you rolled off the twin bed in your room and hit the floor. You were only 4 weeks old. What baby rolls at 4 weeks? I only turned my back for a second. You cried for a split second, I cried the whole day. What mother let's her baby roll off of a bed? A hard lesson for a first time mom.
The first time I had to leave you to go back to work, I thought I was going to die. I left you in good hands, but my heart ached for you so. I wondered, would you miss me, would you think I left you and wasn't coming back? Would you love your caregivers more than me? Would you think they were your mom? But, soon we both adjusted to that as well, but it still didn't make leaving you any easier. I could not wait to get off from work to see you smile when I picked you up! The work day was so long, and our evening time seemed so short. Weekends were all that kept me going, and you, of course!
Before we knew it, you were a year old! You walked right after your first birthday. You were very active and loved to play. You and dad would play on the floor for hours. You always kept a smile on our faces! We were very close, our little family of three. We didn't have any family that lived close and everything in our world was you! Sometimes I wished that we had grandparents or aunts close enough to help us. In later years, I realized that by having to depend just on each other made our family bond closer. On your first birthday I cried all day. I couldn't believe you were one! It was sad to me, I didn't want you to turn one, two, three ... I wanted you to stay my baby forever.
You were an active toddler and it didn't stop when you started school. You loved sports and wanted to do it all! You loved riding your bike, looking for bugs, and doing all those other little boy things. You always wanted to be with us. While I was cooking, you were on the kitchen floor playing. If dad was on the floor watching TV, you were right there with him. I use to call you our little shadow.
Do you remember your bear? Boy, I do. That bear was your best friend. He had a lot of miles on him and had the stains and rips to prove it. He went everywhere with you. Remember how you always wanted him cold? Sometimes you would put him in the refrigerator. In the car, you wanted him held up to the a/c vent so he would be cold, and you couldn't drink a glass of juice without your bear in your hands! Remember the day we put him away? You were a big boy then, made a big boy decision. He was falling apart, he had been stitched for the last time. You were so brave. You didn't cry, but I did. I don't think you ever knew that. I went to my room and cried like a baby. We still have him, he's in the box we put him in all those years ago. I wrote you a letter about your bear a few days later, it's in the box with him. One day perhaps you'll pull him out and read it.
Your first word was Da-Da. That didn't surprise me. You were daddy's boy! You and dad had a connection, sometimes one I didn't understand. The times I couldn't seem to make you happy, dad always did! You always wanted to be outside! You loved cranes and water towers! We were always looking for them while out and about. You hated being in the car, especially as an infant and restrained in a car seat. A trip of more than a few minutes was a nightmare. We often traveled to Louisiana and you screamed the whole way there, every time. Thankfully, you out grew this. Your first Christmas present was a farm house, you chewed on the duck so much he wouldn't squeak. Your first "real" Halloween costume was Shredder from The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You loved watching the Weather Channel, all the bright colors. Your favorite movie as a young child was "Two dogs and a cat lost in the woods", (also known as Homeward Bound). And, much to your dad's dismay, you loved Barney!
I loved watching you with your baby brother, especially in the times when you thought no one was looking. You were so sweet to him. The way you would talk to him melted my heart. Once he began walking and getting into your things, that changed! The times you were sweet to him became fewer and farther apart. I knew you loved him. You tolerated him. I often wondered when I was pregnant with Jake, how on earth I would love this baby as much as I loved you! I didn't know if I had it in me to love another child the way I loved you, I just couldn't imagine it. But luckily, God had already figured all that out, I didn't have to share my love with both my children, because I loved them equally. I had enough love for you both and I loved you both for who you were! After Jake was born you seemed so "big" to me! Up until he was born, you were still my baby, even at 7. I was worried that you would think I loved him more, because babies require much more attention. I really tried to give you everything you needed, and I hope I didn't fail you or make you feel unloved at any time in your life.
You played sports year round and was good at them all. Dad and I loved watching you play whichever sport was in season. We were so proud of your athletic abilities and you always displayed good sportsmanship. I miss watching you perform. I miss you period.
Do you know when we left you at college that first time, I cried all the way home? Silent tears running down my face. I couldn't believe my first born son was in college. I found myself in your room many times, not even remembering going up there. I would sit on your bed, look around your room, and ache for you. I don't expect you to understand, you probably think I'm silly ... and that's okay, because I know one day you will feel the same. It's been so hard to let you grow up. I have always wanted to be there for you every minute, to protect you, to comfort you, to guide you. My wish for you is to always love passionately, not just in relationships, but in everything you do. Always be honest! Take life as an adventure, enjoy every moment. Embrace even the bad times, for they will make you stronger. I hope you'll be there for your brother. You're one of the reasons we had him! We didn't want you to be alone in this world one day when we're gone. Perhaps one day you'll think of him as our gift to you!
I've always tried to let you know how very much you are loved. I pray you have never felt unloved, unwanted, or unappreciated. Your dad and I both are so proud of the little boy you were and the man you've become. You have always never ceased to amaze us, from a tiny baby to the loving, caring man you are.
Always remember, I love you all the way
around the world and back again!
Mom
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