A very personal post, a father forgotten

This post is very personal to me and one I've been delaying writing because I made peace with my decision a long time ago, but thought one day my children might like to know why I had a father I never saw, talked to, or even talked about.  A father forgotten.

I haven't seen my father in 15 years, or talked to him in 14 years.  After he and my Mother divorced he pretty much stayed drunk, but truth be told, he pretty much stayed drunk while they were still married.  In fact, I can't remember a time in my life where he stayed sober for any length of time.

Most of my childhood he worked offshore, which was a relief to our family.  That meant we only had to put up with him for 2 weeks out of the month.  Usually his first couple days home were okay, but it went down hill after that.  By time the two weeks were up of him being home we were all thankful to see him leave.  That's really sad, isn't it.  He was not a very nice person to be around when he drank.  He was verbally abusive and physically abusive to my brothers.  When he was home, I hated to come down our driveway everyday because we never knew what kind of mood he would be in and if we would have to tip toe around or endure a verbal confrontation. 

I felt guilty most of my childhood and early adulthood because he wasn't mean to me.  Although his meanness definitely affected me, I was pretty much an innocent bystander.  However, he was so hard on my brothers and mother.  I can't help but think that because his own mother died when he was young he didn't know how to truly love anyone, not even himself.  He didn't talk much about his childhood, except it wasn't good.  His father remarried and his step mother, according to him, had no use for her new husband's kids.  This too, makes me sad. 

I feel like we were cheated out of our childhood.  No child or children should have to live the way we did.  The constant arguing, extreme mood swings, etc. were just too much.  I can remember begging my mother to leave him on many occasions.  But, with four children to support and provide for, she felt like having "A" dad, was better than having "NO" dad at all.   I can't help but wonder how different our lives might have been if she had left him.  I can almost most-definitely say, we would have been better off with no dad at all.  But, she did what she thought was right, what mother doesn't? 

I really thought once he lost our Mom that he would try to have a relationship with his children.  Didn't happen.  He chose alcohol over his children.  I, several years later, chose my children over his alcoholism.  I couldn't bear for my kids to know the man I knew.  I would not subject them to his drinking, mood swings, etc.  I HAD to live with him and his disease, but my children didn't.  So, not only was I cheated out of a father, but my kids were cheated out of a grandfather.

I've thought about him over the years, but that's as far as it went.  During my grieving process after my Mom's death, I often asked God why he took the one good parent I had.  Then one day it occurred to me that perhaps his punishment was to have to live here on earth with no one to love him.  My Mom was the good parent, the faithful parent, the loving parent.  Perhaps her reward for enduring so much was to enter Heaven's Gates early, to get a head start on everlasting life.  A life without abuse, sadness, and all the other things she experienced living with my father. 

I am no longer sad not to have him in my life, but sometimes (not so much in recent years) I am sad for what should have been.  I envy those who have a loving father in their life.  I am lucky that God chose my Mom to be my parent, and that she loved enough for them both.

My heart

A son holds his mother's hand for a little while ...

                             .... but her heart forever!

Never Unsaid

I never want this to go unsaid,
There are no words to express how much you mean to me,
A son like you, I thought could never be.
Because the day you were born, I just knew,
God sent me a blessing- and that was you.
For this I thank Him every day,
You are the true definition of a son, in every way.
It is because of you that my life has meaning,
Becoming a mom has shown me a new sense of being.
I want you to know that you were the purpose of my life,
Out of everything I did- it was you that I did right.
Always remember that I know how much you care,
I can tell by the relationship that we share.
For a son like you there could be no other,
And whether we are together or apart,
Please do not ever forget
You will always have a piece of my heart.

 

~ I love you Tyler Sean Rhone ~

 

What a mess!

Jake, we always said you were a "mess", well we meant that in more ways than one! You loved to eat, but equally as much, you loved to make a mess!  Oh, how Mom misses these days sometimes!  I'm having so much fun going through all of our pics to use in this blog.  I wish the day of the digital cameras would have been a decade earlier.  Sure would have made it easier on me!

Nothing like a Popsicle on a hot day!

This stuff is really good!
What is it, by the way?

I thought you said this was good for my skin too!

From Tricycles to Bicycles

From little baby bottles to big boy cups,

From tricycles to bicycles, I've watched you grow up.

I savored your laugh, and answered your cries,

I saw your love deep down in your eyes.

I cherished the squeals of earnest delight,

I'll never forget when you slept thru the night.

I taught you to walk, then chased you around,

Picked up the pieces whenever you fell down.

I fixed up bruised knees, and kissed away tears,

Made sure you felt loved, and chased away fears.

Every day I watched you growing taller and taller,

The time you let me hold you grew smaller and smaller.

From baby bottles to big boy cups,

From tricycles to bicycles, I've watched you grow up.

I hope I've done you right by the things that I have done,

Because I couldn't ask God for a more wonderful son!

I love you Jacob Walker Rhone!

 

 

Wish for my boys!

I have many wishes for my boys, but this about sums it up!

 

 

A mother really only wishes her

children to be healthy and happy! 

I love you Tyler & Jake!

~ I would do it all over again! ~

I will, I did, and I still do!




Look at his grin!

Today's our anniversary.  I am so lucky to be married to Brian.  I thank God that our paths crossed 25 + years ago.  I'm not bragging, but how many couples (in today's times) have been with their spouse that long?  We're pretty proud of that!  Where I'm weak, he's strong.  Where he's quiet, I'm loud.  You get where I'm going with this!  We are who God intended for us to share our lives with.  Brian is a wonderful husband, father, provider and I'm so proud to call him my husband.  We promised to love, honor, and cherish, til death do us part.  (We also "plighted thee our troths", whatever the heck that means!  We still laugh about that today!!)  We have built a marriage based on mutual respect, love, and honesty, and we love each other more every day.  Boy, I'm one lucky girl!

Our Wedding

2011

1987 - the beginning!

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

 

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

September 11, 2001

Eleven years ago, I remember exactly what I was doing on that day.  The day started out like any other day.  Tyler was off to school, Jake was at Mother's Day Out, and I planned on doing some early Christmas shopping.  I was waiting for a friend to join me, standing in my kitchen when I heard the news.  I was shocked, and like so many others, I was watching as the 2nd plane hit the towers.  I immediately called my Mother.  She would make everything better, she always did.  She told me to pray.  Brian called to tell me NASA was on lockdown and being evacuated.  Would NASA be their next target?  I was horrified.  I was crying for all those people in the towers.  Crying for their families, and especially the children who would have to grow up without a parent.  I was crying for all of us, wondering what would happen next.

I picked Tyler up from school, Brian left NASA and picked Jake up from his Mother's Day Out.  We wanted our family to be together.  We tried to have some normalcy in the house with the kids home, hoping not to terrify them.  We watched the TV non stop, day and night, for what seemed like days.  It was hard to think, hard to function, hard to process what had happened. 

Alan Jackson's "Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)" song says it best for me.

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you in the yard with your wife and children
Or working on some stage in L.A.?
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke
Risin' against that blue sky?
Did you shout out in anger, in fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry?

Did you weep for the children who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don't know?
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below?
Did you burst out with pride for the red, white and blue
And the heroes who died just doin' what they do?
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself and what really matters?

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell
You the difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you teaching a class full of innocent children
Or driving down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty 'cause you're a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone?
Did you call up your mother and tell her you loved her?
Did you dust off that Bible at home?

Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Or speak to some stranger on the street?
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Or go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watchin'
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns?

Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers
Did you stand in line and give your own blood?
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love? 

 

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell
You the difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love

And the greatest is love.

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?

It was hard to imagine what kind of impact this tragic event would have on our lives.  How many people had to die that day because we as a nation were hated.  Would they be satisfied with the damage done, or would they find new ways to act out their terror.  As the months went by people gradually resumed their normal lives and tried to put 9/11 behind them.  Now, 11 years later, it's still hard to replay that day in my mind. 

 

 

I pray that our nation never has to endure that kind of pain again. 

 

Never Forget.

 

Grandparent's Day!

Grandparents

 

Gentle, good-natured, softhearted, and grand.

Ready always with a smile and a warm helpful hand.

Admired and regarded as knowledgeable and wise,

Nurturing their grandchildren to reach for the skies.

Proudly showing pictures for everyone to see!

Always telling stories of how things used to be,

Reading books, playing games, or listening patiently.

Easy-going, easy-living, enjoying life's pleasures,

Noticing that long life brings so many treasures.

Truly grandparents are wonderful in so many ways,

Special people who always seem to brighten our days.

 

 

My wonderful grandparents in the front.  I miss them so much.

They never had an easy life, but with the love of their family they had it all!