One year ago today I made one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. Our beloved long hair chihuahua, Paco, was sick and suffering. I
chose to end his life, to ease his suffering, but in doing so I crushed my own heart. Paco was almost 9. Chihuahuas are suppose to live much longer! It was so
unfair.
Unfair to him,
unfair to me,
unfair period.
Paco came into our lives just when I needed him! We brought him home New Year's Day 2003. It was a new year, the previous year was one to be forgotten for so many reasons. A new year of promise and good things to come. 2002 (as shared in a previous post) was a year we never want to experience again. I lost my Mom in June that year, then in November, our chihuahua that my Mom had given us, Cocoa died. I needed something new to focus on for the new year, a new puppy would be just the thing!
I told my husband that I wanted to "just" go see them. We drove all the way to Huntsville just to "see" these pups. Brian knew we were coming home with a baby, I didn't fool him. When we arrived at the breeder's home, Paco was in a small swimming pool with several other pups in the middle of the breeder's living room. They were all so precious, but I was drawn to him.
He was born just for me.
He was mine. I was in love. He was so tiny he fit in the palm of my hand, weighed only 1.2 lbs. He snuggled underneath my hair close to my neck and I knew that's exactly where he belonged.
A couple days after we brought him home he started falling over when he stood up, something wasn't right. I rushed him to the vet and he was on the brink of death, I was horrified. His blood sugar was non-existent. They wanted me to transfer him to an over-nite hospital for them to nurse him, I refused. I would nurse him. I slept on the sofa with him, alarm clock set to go off every hour. I placed a small amount of glucose in his mouth every hour that night. He was already rotten! He wouldn't eat his food, how was he ever going to get better. After trying several things, I bought baby food turkey sticks. They were kinda like Vienna sausage, but made of turkey and for babies...so not alot of salt, etc. He ATE them, all pinched up in my hand! I was a happy mama! From then on every time he heard that baby food jar lid "pop" he came running! I thought I'd never get him off of those turkey sticks! It was worse than taking a pacifier or bottle away from my kids! Eventually we were successful and all was good.
Paco was so much fun, he loved to play and snuggle. Eventually it was hard to remember the time before he became a part of our family. In his mid-years he became a "lap-dog", and a good one he was! He loved to sit on the back of my chair, loved his "treats" and loved to lick Brian's feet. (yuck, I know!) He loved playing with his cousin (cousin by ownership, but nephew by blood), Gizmo. They would chase each other around and around until they both were worn out. They provided hours of entertainment!
I thought age was "catching up" with him. About 8 months or so before he died we began to notice that he would "nod-off" sitting up, almost like an old person does. Then, he began to fall from the back of my chair, into the window sill. I tried to keep him off
our chair, but he always managed to find a way up there. His falling off the chair became a daily thing. I took him to the vet, and was horrified that the vet said he was near death. His tongue was purple. He wasn't getting oxygen to his brain, hence the nodding off. Xrays confirmed he had a collapsed trachea. He wasn't getting enough oxygen, he was trying to get some air in which is why he wouldn't lay down. We were sent home with bronchial dilators and a couple other meds. The meds didn't appear to be working and Paco was getting worse by the hour. He had a "fit" as I called it, almost like he went mad. He stood on the end table by
our chair and walked right off of it...like he was on the floor. I knew in my heart that it was time, I couldn't let him hurt himself by falling. He couldn't sleep, couldn't lay down. He was still eating, though.
I loved
him enough to end his life. I loved
him enough to do the right thing. I loved
him enough to let him go.
I held him after he died and cradled him like a baby. I asked for his forgiveness, I asked God to take care of him for me.
I came home heartbroken. I wanted all of his things out of this house. I couldn't bear to look at them. I felt guilty. I felt sick..... and sometimes I didn't know what I felt, but sadness.
In the weeks that followed I dreamed of
him. I heard
him at the door, his sweet little bark. I heard
his paws racing across the floor every time the pantry door opened. I felt
him sitting next to me on
our chair. I couldn't stand to see Mocha sad from wondering where
he was. Gizmo was lost when he came to visit. No one was happy. Most of all me.
I'm
still sad from time to time. I
still miss him. I
still love him. But, I'd
still do it again, because I loved him that much. Rest in peace my sweet Paco. I love you.
The time has come I think you know
the Lord is calling
so I must go
I love you so much; I
wish it wasn't so
I wish I could stay;
I don't want to go
You're the best family a dog ever had
so kind and gentle,
never mean or mad
I'll never forget the
day that we met
I was so lucky to
become your pet
You opened your door and showed me your heart
I'll never forget
you; we'll never part
You loved me and
cared for me over the years
you taught me
everything and took away my fears
The Lord is calling now I must go
but before I go I
want you to know
I know it hurts to
lose a friend
but I'll always be
with you even to the end.
