Sometimes it really sucks being a Boy Mom

My son.  From the minute he was born I was the #1 girl in his life. I fed him, swaddled him, rocked him. I was there when he took his first step, to catch him if he fell.  I was there for every sickness, every boo boo, every scrape on his tiny little knees.  I was there to hug him, reassure him, guide him, LOVE him, every minute, everyday.  I was the one he came to when he was hungry, sick, sad, and even happy! I was his #1 girl! I was there for every hardship, disappointment and every heartache.  I was there to help him succeed, console him when he failed, and encourage him to move on. He always came to me with every problem, every want, every need.  I was always his biggest fan.

Then, one day, a new girl came along.  She was his new #1.  I was quickly pushed into 2nd place.  I always knew that day would come, but I hadn't really prepared myself for it.  Does anyone?  I am no longer the person he comes to first.  I see him for brief moments, but can tell she's on his mind. I wash his clothes and wish I could see him in these clothes for more than a minute when he's heading out the door.  Heading out to be with her. I smell his clothes as I fold them fresh out of the dryer. They smell like him, my heart longs for my little boy. I often go to his room, sit on the edge of his bed and reminisce of days gone by.  I am so proud of the man he has become, but secretly wish he was still my little boy. My little boy comes with the assurance that I'm still his #1. 

Somehow, I find a way to accept being his #2. I don't like it. I'm jealous of the time he spends with her. I pray that she will love my son the way I do. I pray that she will hold his heart close and consider it fragile. I pray that she will bring out the best in my son, but love him regardless. Love him when he's unlovable. Love him when he's weak. Love him no matter what, love him the way I do.

Then one day, he figures out that perhaps she is not #1.  He comes back to me and we resume life with me being his #1.  Of course I'm always here with open arms. Ready and willing to resume my place in his life. All is right in my world once again. 

That is, until the new #1 comes into his life.  One day the right one will be the last one and I will permanently lose my #1 status.  Until then, I will love and cherish every moment I have with my son.  And when the last #1 comes into his life, maybe it will be easier to let him go.  Perhaps then I won't think of her as his new #1.  I hope she will be like the daughter I never had. I hope she will guard his heart and make him happy. I hope she will see all the love he has to give, and she will be strong where he is weak.  I hope she will respect his relationship with me, and learn to love me as well.

But, until then, I will continue to play the fip flop game of being 1st or 2nd. 

Oh, and if by chance he ever has a daughter, I'll gladly slide into 3rd position!